So, here I am with one journey coming to an end and a new one about to unfold. I’m terrified to think about the future and I’m praying that things will work out. I have to remember that I have an amazing support network and I really need to learn to use it more.
I’m unsure as to what to do about the blog. It seems fitting to end it. If I do I’ll leave it up for everyone to look back on. Maybe I’ll start a new one, who knows. It’s just one more of the uncertainties in my life right now but I’ll figure it out soon. I have reservations about this post but if this is indeed my last entry I might as well not hold back. Why start now…
I know a lot of people who wanted to be there and couldn’t requested info about the service, the speeches and everything else. In true “Tracy’s Blog” fashion I’m going to post it all and then some….
Let’s start back at the beginning. When I first posted I had just found out that my wife was about to die and I knew her followers needed to know. I wasn’t a fan of her blog and I only looked at it once but I knew it was important to her so I posted with the help of our friend Sarah. It was a simple paragraph without much thought but it felt good to let others know what was happening. When I read the comments that came in I realized that it was something I needed to do for myself as much as everyone else. I had so many people thanking me because it helped them connect to the situation even though they were far away and felt helpless. It inspired me and pushed me to continue. It became my place to dump all of my emotions and it filled a void in my life I guess. I would normally have told stuff like that to Tracy but that wasn’t an option anymore. If people wanted to know then they should know everything. I heard that some were brought to tears and I think I was glad. Maybe I wanted people to suffer along with me, maybe not. I wanted people to know how shitty this disease can be and how it’s not just about getting sick and dying. It’s about a long, miserable, painful struggle for your life. It rewrites your life and many of those around you.
When she was first brought in and put on the respirator I was told the end was near. Your mind goes to a lot of bad places when that happens. As I spent the first few nights there I started scribbling notes on scraps of paper and I went through all the photos on my hard drive. I couldn’t admit it to myself at the time but I was working on stuff for her funeral. I finished what I was writing and put it away, praying to never to need it. I hoped I could share it with her when she came home and we could have a good laugh about it on the couch. I offered to read it to her shortly before she passed but she declined. I completely understand her decision but I would have liked for her to hear it.
I can’t think about any of this without being overwhelmed. I’m bitter, angry and sad but I know those emotions will eventually pass. I know someday the thought of her or the mention of her name will bring a smile to my face once again but it’s going to be a while before that happens. I can’t envision that day right now.
Time to get into it…
There’s something called “comfort care” and I learned a lot about it last week. It sounds kinda nice but what it really means is that all hope is gone and your loved one is about to die. They take away all the things that help keep her alive, they use a lot of pain management medication and you wait…you wait for the end. When you fight something for that long it’s hard to think that it’s really going to be over soon. No more surprise recoveries this time, this was it. The day you’ve always dreaded was finally here and you’re helpless to change the outcome. I couldn’t wrap my head around it even though she was hours from dying.
I will say that the nurses did a great job and it made it as easy as it could have been. She had nine of us there, including Jason who refused to leave her side. I doubt most of us will be lucky enough to be surrounded by that many people who love them when it’s our time to go. I can’t begin to express the emotions of that night so I won’t bother trying.
In an earlier posting I mentioned that we had a few favorite nurses. As time went on and I got to know them all I realized that they’re all my favorites. It’s amazing to me what they do on a daily basis and I have a new respect for all of them. I can sleep at night knowing that the doctors did everything they could do for her and fought alongside her till the very end. I later came to learn that some of them had personal agendas for trying above and beyond for Tracy but I get the feeling they would have done it anyway. They brought her back from the brink and we were able to share a little more time with her. I’m so thankful for the time we had together at the end.
She was finally gone and now I had to plan her services…
If you can deal with taking care of this stuff beforehand I would highly recommend it. Planning something like this the day your wife dies really sucks. I found a great funeral director, DJ and he made it as easy as it could be. He let us do anything we wanted and it made it much easier to deal with. I immersed myself in the details of the ceremony and I think she would have approved the outcome. I brought in tons of framed pictures, including some really large ones, and lots of the gifts that people sent to the hospital. The prayer flags that hung over our patio and even her jacket, the lilacs and other memorabilia from her Amazon Heart UK ride were there with her. I took all of the “Secret Angels” from her hospital room and displayed them on a big poster board while her sisters made photo collages from the past 41 years of her life. I even made a photo slideshow but more on that later.
I tried my best to include as many as I could in the service and I wanted to let everyone do what they felt they needed to do. I wanted everyone close to her to have a part in this…I needed it. The only problem I had was the suggestion that we wear pink ribbons. Honestly, I’m so tired of pink ribbons and I needed this to be a celebration of Tracy, not breast cancer. When it came time to decide on the Mass card I felt a picture one would be nicer but I didn’t have many “formal” or “classic” poses of her. We quickly decided that a picture of Tracy, as we knew her, doing Tracy things would be best so we went with the one I’ve used the most lately. The biker picture, of course…
It felt good to do all these things but I was crashing mentally by the time I got home. I decided to take a look at the blog comments as I’ve done so many times before and came across one by Christine, one of Tracy’s nurses. It meant so much to me that I printed it and put on the “Angels” board as well.
Dear Jeff, Jason, Joyce, Ted and Pleva sisters,
I have never been on Tracy's blog until yesterday but I could not stop thinking of her and found myself typing her name...
I have learned a lot about the true measure of love and loyalty by being a part of your lives for the past months.
Joyce with her gentle touch and encouraging words and Ted with his sense of humor that made you laugh just when you needed it most (and of course his amazing desserts!)...the perfect sugar rush in the middle of our shift!
Pleva sisters you are each beautiful in your own way and your love for Tracy was strong and that did not die with her...that will be forever with her and with you.
Jeff you were really the pillar of strength that Tracy held onto and you could see it in her eyes every time she looked at you. And to Jason...I've never seen your mom as happy as when you came and held her hand. Your mom was so proud of you.
We shared a toast for Tracy at my home last night. I will never forget you all.
May the raindrops fall lightly upon your brow
May the soft winds freshen your spirit
May the sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you
And may god enfold you in the mantle of his love
God Bless you all
Christine
Thank you so much for taking the time to post that Christine. We’ll never forget you either.
Going to the place for the actual service was really tough. Our work was done and now I had to face the fact that it was really happening. Tracy requested an open casket but DJ suggested we might want to “have a look” before making the final decision. It turns out that he did a good job but her wig just looked ridiculous. I’m not sure why she requested it but she looked much better without it so we left it off. Much better, that was Tracy. It was a rough day and I think I was on auto pilot.
We had a slideshow playing to two TVs and it was very emotional. It’s tough to take someone’s life and compress it into 80 frames over 4 minutes but I had to do it. I even added her latest motivational song. It was so important to me because as you look at those pictures you realize that she LIVED with cancer. She was a traveler and an adventurer and lived her life to the fullest. Those pictures helped me cope and showed me that she never sat back and let the disease take over. As she said in her blog, “I intend to make this f-ing disease work for every little bit it tries to take from me.”
As the priest spoke that evening I just listened and realized I couldn’t connect anything he was saying. He didn’t know her and he didn’t know us…it was fitting. I know she would have been rolling her eyes and I smiled at the thought of that. Immediately after, her sister Jamie got us back on track with her heartfelt speech.
I’m sure there are many people here who have witnessed what it was like to be with all four Pleva girls at one time. Four very strong, independent, stubborn, loud, yet loving sisters who share a bond that has withstood a great deal over the years. We weren’t always this close though. It took lots of sister’s weekends and more importantly wine to get us here.
I remember our first sister’s weekend. I was a JR in HS, it was the middle of winter and Liza, Tracy and I were headed to Maryland to see Katie in her first apartment. I remember sitting in the back of Tracy’s black eagle talon and looking out the window at the blizzard that our fearless leader was plowing through while other drivers were pulling off the road to take cover. Somehow we made it safely down and our first sister’s weekend commenced. The next day we hunkered down on Katie’s futon to watch movies and drink wine, and thus began the annual tradition of sister’s weekend. Since that time we’ve gone horseback riding, attended YSC national conferences, visited spas, had wine tasting weekends and weekends of just vegging at one of our houses drinking wine, while in full Pleva feeding frenzy mode. Our last sister’s weekend was at Tracy’s house. It was the great rooster massacre of 2008. We spent the whole weekend gossiping, drinking wine, and occasionally stopping to rip down the rooster wall paper that covered Tracy’s kitchen.
What I cherished most about our weekends together were the times we spent talking and bonding. We complained about jobs, laughed at stories about the kiddos and commiserated about the men in our lives. Of course we also talked about our hopes, dreams, fears and Tracy’s cancer. We didn’t make it the focal point of our times together but it was discussed. We wanted to help her, support her and be there for her as much as we possibly could. But Tracy was a fighter and did not like to feel as if she was burdening her family. She hated seeing us sad, scared or crying over her. She always said she never wanted to cause us any pain and no matter how many times we told her that wasn’t the case, she still felt like it was somehow her fault.
What I hope Tracy knows is that she brought all of us much more joy then sorrow. She was a playmate, secret keeper and best friend to her sisters.
I’m so sad and heartbroken that I have to say goodbye to her. There isn’t much that I take comfort in. I’m selfish because I want her here with us and I want to hear her voice again, But it does comfort me to know that we now all have one beautiful, strong, bad ass angel on our side.
Tracy, I will always love you, you will never be forgotten and you will never be far from our hearts. Please know that the sisters will always be 4 strong. We will be there for Jeff and support him with whatever her may need, will comfort mom and dad and of course constantly remind Jason just how much you loved him and that there wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do for him. You always told me to live in the moment, and not to make any plans because life can change in an instant. No truer words were ever spoken and now more then ever will I live by them. But rest assured Big Sister, we will indeed continue our Sister’s Weekends and you will certainly be there with us in spirit, particularly when we raise our wine glasses and toast you and all the wonderful memories we have of you.
It was time for what I wrote three months ago. I hate the fact that I ultimately needed it and I knew I could never get though it during the ceremony. My Uncle Dan graciously agreed to read it. I thought about changing it around a few times but I decided to leave it as is. It’s a little raw but it’s what I was feeling at the time so I left it alone.
We were supposed to grow old together. That was the plan but life had more in store for us than we expected and our goals soon changed. Everything changed.
A few years ago she took out a post-it note and wrote “I will dance at my son’s wedding” on it. She stuck it to the mirror so she’d have to look at it every morning while she got herself ready. That was her new goal in life and it was something she had to fight for. We didn’t talk about it much but I thought about that wedding dance often. I’d be sitting quietly in my chair watching it unfold, just taking it all in. I’d be so proud of her for reaching that milestone in her life and could only imagine the joy she must be feeling inside. It would be a triumph for her. I’ll never experience that moment and it hurts deeply.
I’ve met plenty of strong people in my life but they all pale in comparison to our Tracy. Day in, day out, year after year she never backed down. Even when doctors told her there was nothing they could do for her she refused to accept it. I’d like to think that I could be that strong but I doubt I could. I doubt most of us could. None of us will ever truly know the pain she endured. It was a constant fight and she refused to let the disease win. When I look back I get angry and I feel cheated. Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard. It doesn’t make any sense that she should have to deal with so much pain. There had to be a reason for it. Rather than hide her sickness she used it to help others. She became an advocate for early detection and spent countless hours consoling others that were forced to deal with the disease. She’s been an inspiration to everyone close to her and many that we’ll never know personally. I can find some solace in that.
Tracy showed us that giving up wasn’t an option and I hope we can all remember that. She was the most courageous person I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and I know we’re all a little bit better having had her in our lives. She blessed me with an amazing son whose strength and passion for life remind me of Tracy every day. Her memory will live on in him and in our hearts.
No more doctors, no more pain, no more cancer.
She can finally rest.
I’m going to miss my friend.
I was pleased with the way everything turned out. I was amazed by all the people that showed up and I’m sorry that I had to reunite with so many under these circumstances. I didn’t want to have to do any of it obviously but we all came together as a family and got the job done. We did right by her and I know she would have been proud.
We had the family back to my house between services and I finally got to toast Tracy with the 20 year old whisky I was saving for her homecoming party. Tracy would have been pleased by the amount of wine we went through. We all drank to her and I think, for her. Thankfully, my neighbor came to the rescue with a couple of spare cases.
The next day we did the church thing and it went mostly as planned. Her sister Katie and our good friend Sarah did the readings. I’m sure Tracy was rolling those blue eyes again during the sermon and she had every right to. Sorry Tray…This time it was up to her sister Liza to read what she and her father had written and everyone was clearly moved.
On the morning that Tracy passed, my Father sat down and shared a memory with me. I would like to share it with you now.
Ever since hearing the song “Wind Beneath My Wings,” Tracy said that was the song she wanted to dance to with my father at her wedding someday. In St. Lucia at Tracy and Jeff’s wedding, she came to talk to him about their Father/Daughter dance. She was upset because the steel drum band didn’t know the song “Wind Beneath My Wings” and they would have to choose something else.
He told her not to worry and it didn’t matter because even though they would be dancing to a different song, he knew what song she really wanted and was touched regardless.
As you all know many things have happened in Tracy’s life since her wedding day, and in the time between then and now my father has come to realize the real reason they didn’t get to dance to “their” song. It had nothing to do with the band’s limited play list.
That song describes a hero. Someone who lifts another person up, an inspiration, and to quote the song, “the one with all the strength,…, a beautiful smile to hide the pain.”
What he has come to understand and believe is that they were never meant to dance to that song. It would have implied that my father was the hero. The person who lifted Tracy up.
In actuality the hero described in the song is Tracy. She didn’t just live with cancer; she made it look easy.
Tracy could drive 2 hours to a chemo appt., and when finished turnaround and drive the 2 hours home and still stop at the office to finish up some work.
She’d apologize with every new setback because she hated thinking she was causing us sadness or pain.
She rarely complained. She did her very best to make sure Jeff and Jason’s life was a normal as possible.
She never said, at least to me, “Why me?” She’d say, “Why Jeff? Why Jason?” But not, “Why me?”
She would take calls late into the night to encourage, support, and counsel women who were devastated with a recently diagnosed metastases.
She continued to live her life to the brim. She got her motorcycle license and drove the backroads of PA with her husband and friends. She even celebrated her 40th birthday by riding a Harley from Edinburgh to London.
She put her personal feelings, frustrations and funny thoughts down in a blog that gave hope, strength and laughter to so many.
However, Tracy did not need cancer to show her how to live and appreciate her life. All the characteristics I just described, strength, compassion, determination, tenacity, love of life, and humor were always a part of her.
A part of the daughter Joyce and Ted raised, the Big Sister that led the Pleva sisters, the woman who Jeff fell in love with and made his wife, and a part of the mother who gave birth to her most fabulous creation, Jason.
If ever there was proof of this belief, it is evident in her quote that was posted on NPR last June, Tracy said, Cancer “gets credit for nothing positive in my life. Everything good, loving and hopeful in my life is there because I cultivated it.“
Spoken like a true hero.
The ceremony ended as planned with one exception. As many of you know, Tracy wasn’t a big fan of flowers and it’s their tradition is to have everyone put one on the casket before the hearse leaves the church. DJ surprised me by bringing pink ribbons for everyone instead….yes, pink ribbons. I didn’t have a problem with it at all, honestly. I saw that the staff was wearing pink ties that morning and I expected there to be more “pink” at some point. It was his way of being part of and adding his personal touch to the service. I truly appreciate his efforts.
Later that afternoon her Dad got the immediate family together and we drank the nice bottle of wine he’d been saving for when Tracy beats the cancer. Ugh… We toasted, we talked, and we stood around telling Tracy stories. It was great. By the end of the night the adults were laughing and the kids were caught up in Rock Band. I’m glad we could all cut loose and I know she would have wanted it that way. She was never fond of people sitting around feeling sorry for her.
It’s hard to believe that anything good can come of all this but a few things did. I became much closer to her family and I’m thankful for that. We all came through when it mattered and it redefined the word “family” for me.
Secondly, I was blown away by everyone that came to the services for Jason. There were so many of his teachers…first, second, third, fourth, the principal, vice principal, his GNT teachers, music and gym teachers, guidance counselor and the wonderful women from his after-care. His preschool teachers from our old neighborhood even came to support him. It truly amazed me. I’m thankful that so many of the parents brought their children to be with Jason. I never expected that to happen and I know it helped him. I realized that night that he’s been impacting people’s lives much like his mother has been and it almost brought me to tears.
Lastly, I realized that I’ve been feeding off Tracy’s strength all this time. Had she crawled under a rock when all this started 9 years ago I would have been right there with her. She never gave me that option. Standing tall and fighting was the only choice and that’s why I’ve been able to do what I do.
I think back a few months and now realize I should have seen the signs. She was exhausted and could barely climb our stairs. It took everything she had just to leave the house. She loved to see Jason play sports and she did her best to make every game. It became increasingly difficult to make the walk to the sidelines and I remember that she watched the last game she attended from the comfort of our car. We just attributed it to all the treatments she was undergoing but we were wrong. I didn’t realize it at the time but she was in fact dying.
Even after typing all this stuff I still can’t believe she’s gone. It just doesn’t seem possible. If you have someone you care about tell them today, don’t wait. We all get caught up in our lives and we can miss out on the important things. I was fortunate to have a timeline to work with but it still wasn’t enough.
It’s time to wrap this up…
I can be a pain in the ass with my camera but my family learned to deal with me so I can get the shots I want. I’m so glad they do because I have lots of great memories captured forever. I had my camera in my bag at the hospital for four days before I had the nerve to pull it out. I snuck a picture of Jason reading to Tracy because it was such a poignant moment for me. They should have playing in our yard or doing anything else together, not this but it’s all they had and they made the best of it. That kid never ceases to amaze me.
I finally showed her the camera when Jason was gone and I told her I needed a picture of her. She shook her head no but she knew I wouldn’t accept that. I told her to smile so we could get it over with. She did as best she could…
I’m sorry if that picture bothers you but it is what it is. I was there every day for 3 months and that’s how we shared our lives together. It was less than two weeks before she passed.
Rest in peace Tracy.
Love Always,
Jeff
