It's Christmas Present Time

I’m going to share my Christmas present with you all. Here goes…

I don’t know how it’s possible but Tracy was up and watching tv when I arrived today! I couldn’t have asked for a better gift. Everyone that saw her today, including her doctor was amazed.

They had been lowering her meds for the last two weeks and there wasn’t much of a change. It was beyond frustrating for me. “It takes time…slow process...blah, blah, blah”… I got tired of hearing all that. They said that the drugs would have to work their way out of her system before she woke up and apparently they did. She’s finally up and aware of everything around her.

Things have been pretty rough since the last blog update but she got through it all and she’s still here. We’re not thinking about the cancer or the other things that got her here right now. She has to beat the infections and get herself stronger so she can get off the respirator. We have lots of things that need to be dealt with eventually but we’re not going to worry about them for now.

I actually got to talk with her today, not just at her. I had my doubts that this day would ever come. I’ve waited over a month to tell her what’s been going on and I really wanted to read her blog to her. Thankfully, I got that opportunity today. She said (by pointing at letters on a piece of paper) that I was “remarkable” for doing that and it made my day. I read her the comments and she was overwhelmed as I knew she would be. I don’t think she realized how many people were fighting alongside her this month but she does now.

I’ve learned a lot about the nurses over the last month. We have our favorites but they all do a great job. You rarely get to sleep when you’re here all night so you spend time talking to them about everything. Work, kids, vacations….whatever. I get a kick out of showing them pictures of Tracy looking healthy on her motorcycle or a wave runner because all they’ve seen is a very sick person who can’t communicate with anyone. It’s strange to think that Tracy knows nothing about them even though they’ve kept her alive for a month. She has no idea who they are but we’re bringing her up to speed and I know she’ll appreciate them as much as we do. We saw a lot of them today and I think they're as excited as I am to see her this awake. I know they work with a lot of patients but they seem to be as inspired by her will to beat this thing as we are.

Merry Christmas everyone,

Jeff



Just a few of the things in her room she finally gets to see.

The Latest

The last week has been a struggle for everyone. I’d like to tell you all that things are getting better every day but they just aren’t. Tracy’s took a few steps backwards this week and it’s been frustrating.

Here’s the latest….

Her chest is still filling with fluid. She had a tube to drain the one side but it stopped working so they removed it and put one in on the other side. It meant moving her, more sedation, and more pain. She wasn’t the same when she got back from that. They brought down the sedation over the next few days but she was never as awake as she was last week. Her heart rate started climbing, the fever came back and her blood work started showing problems. It looks like sepsis again.

As I write this she’s down in the operating room getting a tube installed to drain her gall bladder. They think that’s the cause of this problem and they need to do something now.

It seems like such a guessing game and it’s frustrating. When the numbers fall too low they give her meds to get them back up. When they go too high…more meds. We’ve been on a roller coaster all week. We look to the doctors for all the answers but they just don’t have them. I really wish they did but they don’t and it sucks. They do what they can, we wait and we hope it helps. Every morning she gets a chest xray, blood work and a few other tests. They look at all the data, come up with a new game plan for the day and let us know what’s going on. We've had too much excitement this week. A good day around here is a boring one. I’m looking forward to a few boring days this week. We all need them.

I had hoped to give you all a wonderful progress report this week but that’s not going to happen. I can’t say it’s coming anytime soon but I still believe she’s going to get through this. They said she didn't get sick overnight so we shouldn't expect her to get better overnight. Makes sense...

Thanks again for all the support.

-Jeff

Another Update

Don’t panic, just a few updates. I know everyone has been waiting and I’m sorry it took so long. I just had a 40 hour run with no sleep so hopefully this makes sense.

Her breathing tube was in for two weeks and the risk of infection is high at that point so it had to come out. They gave her a tracheostomy which is supposed to be better for her. I had my doubts and I saw this as a big setback but they assured me it wasn’t. It’s supposed to make things easier as well when they try to wean her off the respirator. I did some reading and I guess I agree but it’s another surgery. More cutting, more time, more pain… just more.

She is improving but I wish things were moving along more quickly. They’re not and it’s frustrating. She’s been opening her eyes and staying awake more lately but she’s scared. The drugs have her in a state where it’s harder to communicate with her. She can nod or blink sometimes when we ask her a question but she’s usually too sedated. Her vitals are good when she sleeps but the alarms go off when she wakes up. Her anxiety level must be through the roof. It’s so hard to watch and the feelings of frustration I have from not being able to help are killing me. They said it was going to be a difficult part of the recover process and it is.

We talk to her all the time and try to keep her calm. Sometimes it works, other times she just looks through us with no response. She seems to enjoy the ipod I keep sticking in her ears. If not, I’m sure I’ll hear about it one of these days. Her mom started to read her some of the comments from the blog but she got too emotional so we’ll wait a few more days before trying it again. I really want her to know the support she has from all of you. I have a bunch of “Secret Angels” that have been coming in over the last few days and I’ll bring them to her today. Thanks everyone.

Things have been pretty much the same with her otherwise which is a good thing. It’s still a waiting game so we wait.

I was looking through our closet the other night and came across a print she must have received from one of her friends years ago.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

-Author unknown

I’d like to think like that all the time but I can’t. This disease just sucks. If you’ve been forced to deal with it you know what I mean.

Guess Who Opened Her Eyes...

The last week or so has seemed like one REALLY long day but I’m glad to say that Tracy is making progress towards getting out of here. Her lungs are clearing and her blood levels are finally where they belong. I’d consider that a few huge steps up that f-ing mountain I hear so much about these days. It’s been a long road to get to this point.

Every day she gets a little bit better and stronger so we’ve been able to resume our lives on some level. Jason is back in school and I’m back at work. We spend a lot of time here but at least we have a change of scenery. Her mom has been camped out here since this started and we’re so lucky she can be here for her. Tracy always has someone by her bedside and there’s usually more than one person.

After much deliberation, Thanksgiving dinner was held at my house. Tracy’s dad managed to do all the cooking and it was a welcome break for the family. Jason and I ran the Flemington Turkey Trot 5K early that morning before I headed back to the hospital and it was great. We didn’t run any personal best times or win any trophies but we got out there and had a good time. We needed it. It was a beautiful morning and we got to spend it with friends, neighbors and over 3000 other runners.

One holiday down, one to go…

Christmas had been the furthest thing from my mind but I can’t ignore it anymore. Thanks to the internet I did the majority of my shopping online from this hospital room. I’ve had lots of offers from people to shop for me and wrap presents but I’m ok. Thank you all for trying to help out. I told Jason to make up his Christmas list the other day and he gave it to me this morning. Here’s what my 9 year old wants for Christmas: “I want mommy to get better so she can come home again”. I didn’t expect that but I should have known.

Enough about us….

Our next hurdle is to get Tracy off the respirator and that’s not easy as we found out. It’s been a balancing act between lowering her O2 levels, her pain meds and the sedation. I wasn’t ready for yesterday. As soon as they dropped her doses she woke up. I’m not talking about twitching her fingers or moving her feet, she actually woke up. Ten days ago she thought she was saying goodbye for the last time so it had to be a huge shock for her. Not to mention the tube down her throat. Her vitals went through the roof but we were able to talk her down. It’s been a lot better today. She’s much calmer and she understands what were saying to her. She knows how and why she got to this point and she knows where we’re going from here. The plan is to keep pulling back the meds and have her start breathing on her own as soon as possible. We still have a long way to go but I'm happy to say that we’re making progress.

I hope this isn’t too much information. I know she liked to put everything up here and I’m trying to do the same until she’s ready to do it for herself. I know she’d want it that way.

-Jeff